theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
