my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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