Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
