no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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