Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
