Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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