I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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