I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
