I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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