Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
