my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
