you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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