I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
