Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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