Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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