I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
