i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
