don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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