I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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