Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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