my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
