Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
