I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
