It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
