Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Don't EVER smell your tampon
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
