He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
