So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
where are my eyebrows?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
