if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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