so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
