Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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