i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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