Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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