He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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