Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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