i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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