it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
