Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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