i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
