new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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