i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
