just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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