Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
