Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
