an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
