i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
