We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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