Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
