i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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