he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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