I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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