In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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