Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
