he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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