Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
