I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
