oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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