Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
